30 Day Truth Challenge: Day 07

Someone who has made your life worth living for:

I have to say the one person who has made my life worth living is probably my best friend, Angel. She has been a guiding light for me and I don't know what I would do if she wasn't a part of my life. I know that most women reflect upon their teenage years talking about all their trials and tribulations and how much they hated school, boys, life etc. to you it probably seems like a pathetic cliche. However, I don't really care what you think and I know better than anyone else what my life has been life. Like I've said before I've spent my life overweight and struggling with it. Middle school was probably worse than high school when it came to people making fun of me. I was clinically depressed. I contemplated suicide because I couldn't keep a friendship for more than a year. I didn't have anyone to tell my secrets to. I didn't have anyone to confide in.

To put the bullying in some kind of context, you've seen the young adult movie where a girl gets invited to a birthday party out of cruelty. The kids in her class are playing a prank at her expense. You normally would think that kids can be cruel but they can't actually be that mean. Oh yes they can. They are evil little fuckers. I thought I was invited to a birthday party at the skating rink but when I showed up the people working there had no idea what I was talking about. It wasn't a real birthday party. I spent so much time on a birthday present and was really excited to hang out with some kids. In reality I just went home and spent the entire night crying in my bedroom. This was the first time I attempted to commit suicide. I was in the 7th Grade.  

Then came the summer before 8th grade. I was so desperate for friendship that I became friends with a girl who was just a bully. She would pick on me and attempt to fight me at least once every 3 months. However, I didn't really know what to do. Her friendship made me even more depressed. This was a time that I would cut myself on a regular basis just to make myself feel better and in control of something. Looking back, I wish I could have discovered a more productive or constructive outlet.  I got into a lot of trouble once because she manipulated me into egging a girls house who lived down the street. However, there was another girl that she did this kind of thing to. We happened to both be friends with Samantha at the same time and when we met the click was instant. That day she came over to my house and we hung out with our friends. From that day forward we spent almost everyday together for 2 years. When I was going into my sophomore year of high school she had to move to Carbondale and I didn't get to see her as much as I'd liked to. However, I'm now in my 3rd year of college and she is still my best friend. I still remember very vividly the day that Angel and I met. That was the day we became best friends. However, if you would have told me that day that Angel would be the person to completely change my life I would have laughed. But now I look back on that day and I know that it's true. I was a new and happier person because of Angel. If it wasn't for Angel I probably wouldn't be alive right now. 

30 Day Truth Challenge: Day 06

 Something you hope you never have to do:
I hope that I never have to bury a child. I truly hope that someday I'm in a position to have a child and he or she is beautiful and perfect in every way imaginable. I always think about all the pain my sister and my best friend have gone through. My sister was in the last days of her first pregnancy when she had the realization that her son was no longer moving. Her world slowly fell apart when she went to the hospital and learned that she was having a stillbirth. She went through 9 months of pregnancy and then had to suffer the hours of labor to push out a baby that was already dead. It was the worst experience of her life. I was so proud of her for rebounding the way she did. She went back to school and she continued with her life after a couple weeks of mourning. 

This is a photo of Christopher Ryan Mapes. He would have grown up into the most beautiful boy imaginable. It breaks my heart to know he's not with us today. 

One of my best friends in the entire world suffered a tragedy as terrible if not worse that my sister. She had a son named and got to keep and raise him for a few months before he was taken from this world because of S.I.D.S. For those who don't know that stands for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. This condition is still very mysterious in the medical field. Doctors don't know what is causing S.I.D.S. and researchers are still struggling. Ever since his death I have been extremely committed to the March of Dimes charity group. All proceeds that are donated through the March of Dimes go toward research on  Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I hope that one day very soon we find a way to detect and prevent S.I.D.S. 

This is Aiden O'Brien. He was taken from the world far too soon. 

A wonderful blessing is these two women had another chance at childbirth. They both had another son and these two boys are growing healthy and Strong. 

This is Kadence Levi O'Brien. He is 3 years old now and he's the goofiest monster I've ever known. He's so smart and active. I'm blessed to be apart of his life. 

 This is Anderson Mykal Mapes. He just turned 1 year old. He is the perfect nephew. The best I could ever ask for. He has his first 6 teeth and more are coming in everyday. He's smart, playful and strong. 

30 Day Truth Challenge: Day 05

Something You Hope to Do in Your Life:

There are so many things I hope to do in my life. How do you pick just one? Can't this just be my bucket list posting? No? Dang it. Well I guess the number one thing I hope to do in my life is attend Stanford School of Law. This has been my dream ever since I was 10 years old. I've made quite a few mistakes on my way to my dream but who doesn't right? First mistake.... I was born in Topeka, KS. Nobody cares about the poor girl from the midwest. Yeah, I know. but whatevs I guess. The second mistake... I ended high school with a 3.5 GPA, minimal extracurriculars, and minimal volunteer hours. Let's not forget my socioeconomic status is boring old middle class. Too good for financial need based scholarships and too crappy of a resume for merit based scholarships. That means I end up at the University of Kansas. Granted, I really love KU and it has one of the top 5 debate programs in the nation which a really attractive quality to the school. However, that's just not good enough to be on the radar of a perfect IVY league college. Now I'm going into my 3rd year of undergraduate school and I'm not doing quite as well as I'd like. I'll probably finish college with a GPA somewhere between 3.4-3.7. So it looks like my life is highly dependent on my success with the LSAT test. ugh.... that means massive amounts of studying I have to do on top of all my debate work and school work if I want any hope of getting about a 170. We shall see how things work out. I've got a couple of years to just kind of figure out what it is that I can do to make my resume look a lot better when it comes to applying for law school. I really hope that I can get into Stanford Law. If not then I really hope that I can get into a Top 15 school at the very least. That should be a little bit easier.... maybe :)

P.S. I don't know if you know this about me blog world but one of my favorite shows and guilty pleasures is Drop Dead Diva.... Oh yes yes yes. I guess its just really cool so see a show where the leading lady is plus size and attractive and confident. Did I mention that Jane's character went to law school at Stanford? Definitely was a sign that my dream was meant to be. I know super cheesy and blah blah blah... I'm a silly little girl. well guess what?!?!?! LONG HAIR DON'T CARE :D

Wish me luck in my endeavors Blog World. 

30 Day Truth Challenge: Day 4

 Something you have to forgive someone for:
I find that in general I'm not a very forgiving person. I think there are a few quotes that sum up my opinions on forgiveness when someone has wronged or hurt me. 

I've heard it said, to err is human
It's forgiveness that's divine
I thought about forgiving you, but
I want revenge, I want what's mine
I think it's time to settle scores now
It's time to set the record straight
You'll know it's coming, you won't know how
Or when, you'll have to watch and wait

I know this quote seems a bit extreme. You're probably right. I honestly can't think of anything in my life that I really need to forgive someone for. I guess I should forgive Lance and his mom for what Happened to Matty. I've held a lot of pain inside and contempt that has been directed toward them. But deep down I know that what happened to him wasn't their fault. I guess it's their fault for having a loaded gun just chillin on their mantle in the living room. I guess it's their fault for condoning someone who was showing signs of depression to start drinking. It's real smart to add a depressant to the mixture of someone's depression. These are all circumstances that I guess none of us really foresaw as being a problem. Other than that I guess I should forgive every jerk I've known since grade school who has picked on me, bullied me, and broken me down for being overweight. You all made me feel isolated, made it harder for me to be social, and I don't really know what to think about you. I know that everyone deals with their own insecurities and blah blah blah.... "insert some generic and archaic excuse for their behavior" but really, I want to know your insecurity and use it to make fun of you. I want to break you all down the way you did to me. You made it so hard for me to trust others in any form of friendship. However, thanks to you I know who I can trust and I know the signs for a jerk coming into my life. So I guess that is something I can thank you for. Maybe you helped me form the think skin I need to enter the real world and make me fearless. I don't know. Really I don't give a fuck about any of you because I have the people in my life who I can trust and who love me (as a friend) for who I am the way I am. You're not worth this post and you're not worth my time. 

It breaks my heart to hear stories about young adults who feel so depressed by bullying that they consider taking their life. I'm thankful that I was never someone who took it that far. Granted, I do have a few scars on my own body from minor self mutilation when I didn't know how to handle or control the pain. For me, I guess that was a phase, and a phase of my life that I do not desire to reflect upon in any amount of deeper detail. I just hope people know that it can and will get better. Their situation will change. There is someone out there who can make it all worth it. Maybe it's a best friend, or a lover. I know that because I've had my best friend for the past 9 years of my life everything has been a lot easier. I just know I can survive and when I don't think I can all I have to do is talk to her. 

Big Brother Addiction: Get Over Janelle

I don't understand why people think Janelle is the greatest player in big brother history? She made it to the final 3 twice and choked. Fair enough she is a pretty good competitor but it seems like it doesn't matter who the people are in the house she has the perfect personality for pissing people off. To be honest, even if she did make it to the final two there was no way in hell she had enough political capital with those jury's to garner a win. Come on now kids.

 Mike Boogie know's the game. I'm pretty sure this guy lives and breathes the Big Brother game. He's persuasive and generally a likable guy. This is proven by people who claim to hate him (Brit) actually enjoy hanging out with him and will jump to join forces with him. He doesn't need the production crew to aid him in his success. That's all skill and talent. He came into season 14 and found a guy who was just as good at this game as him. That's Frank Eudy. Give the guy some props he's got more lives than James or Brenden with these consistent nominations. He's also got mad social game making him a great substitute for Will Kirby in the Chilltown 2.0 alliance. In regards to the claims about Big Brother production manipulating the game. They can only manipulate what America sees. They can't control who votes for who to be evicted and who acts up.

What's crazy to me about all the kids who are mad at Boogie for talking about Janelle and Will's "showmance," is its almost as if you didn't watch season 7. I'm also not sure how many of you were watching the live feeds for big brother all-stars. If you did you would have noticed that Will constantly put down Janelle and she kept forcing herself on him or in some type of showmance with him. The dude didn't want her but knew he had to tread the water carefully, and he was right because as soon as he was done with Janelle he was out of the house. 

 But to be honest, we all know that Boogie plays shady, and is kind of a jerk, that's his game play and that's his Big Brother character. Why would you switch to something that was near successful and then successful in the two previous seasons you were apart of. He's also generally a pretty nice dude but knows when he doesn't like people. I wish Janelle would have stopped saying how much Boogie hates women because I'm pretty sure he worked with women in his last two seasons. Oh yeah, and it's not women he hate's its just her. Why is everyone pissed that he went after Janelle for a grudge from 7 seasons ago when she spent the entire first 4 weeks of the game going after him because of 7 years ago. Pot calling kettle black? I think so. 

I also find it extremely disgusting that people praise Janelle for her wonderful manners and elegance when she was one of the most superficial and shallow players in the house. She said mean things about people all the time. You bash viewers who don't like her for saying mean things about her and you respond by talking trash on Danielle, and Shane and everyone else who was against her. Ask yourself how many times you've judged Frank because Janelle started talking about him smelling bad or accusing him of not showering even though that's you see footage of him either in the shower, or leaving a conversation to take a shower. Please to act like she's an innocent victim when she's really just a cold hearted bitch. 

That's my take on the post Janelle eviction Big Brother drama. Also kids, lets remember its just a show. :)

30 Day Truth Challenge: Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Sometimes you have to tell a story.


Okay, this is a story I haven't told very many people. When I was 15 years old I dated a boy. He was my first real boyfriend and like any young teenage girl I thought that I was in love. We spent almost everyday together, eventually I got bored, as any 15 year old girl who has any rational bone in her body would. You don't end up with the person you thought you loved when you were 15 so its better to end things before anyone gets to attached, or so I thought. Matty was a terrific guy, an old soul, and sometimes a little dangerous. That's why I fell for him so easily and that's the same reason I knew we were no good for each other. I knew that he struggled with depression and he had the most terrible mood swings of anyone I've ever known. One night we were hanging out with Sarah, Chase, Ally, Ronnie, Dee, Cassie, and a couple other friends at Chase's house. Matty decided that he wanted to go to the park that was right down the street. I fought with him for a few minutes because it was late, it had been raining, and I didn't feel like following him on one of his adventures. He insisted that this trip was necessary to unlock one of the greatest wonders of the world. I knew in that moment, not only had he been drinking, he probably took a couple pills, and he was lit. I didn't know what to do so I followed him to the park. I couldn't leave this jackass to himself in that condition. I may have been 15 but I had some common sense inside of me. Running after him, I was tired. Not only do I hate running in general but I didn't know how much longer Matty and I could continue this charade. The high's and lows were unbearable. Finally catching up to him, we sat down on the merry go round. Panting and clenching my fists I knew my body was starting to numb. It was 48 degrees outside and the rain had started up again midway through the chase. However, I could feel his touch and he wrapped his arms around me. I looked up at him, placed my hand on his cheek, and kissed him gently. Looking into his eyes, I knew what I had to do. My voice was soft and scared when I said, "I want to break up." He looked at me puzzled. I was ready for his wrath, I was preparing for the fighting and yelling and accusations. But all he said was, "let's wait until morning. You'll be thinking clearly then." I couldn't believe it. I was angry, and lost. I wanted to yell at him, tell him that he's a complete idiot and I don't want to wait until morning. I want to be done, right here and right now. But instead I said, "sure." For the next few days he called and texted and called and texted but I couldn't respond. I deleted his messages without reading them. To this day I regret that decision. Maybe if I'd just looked at them and read them I could have known. How could I not have known. On the third night he was drunk at our friend Lance's house. He was acting crazy. He picked up Lance's mom's gun and decided to play with it. They all thought the safety was on and it wouldn't be a problem according to Lance. Lance called me, told me that Matty was acting crazy, begged me to come over and calm him down. I could hear the fear in his voice so I grabbed my dad's keys and left home. I was too late. Lance's mom struggled with Matty and the gun went off. Matty was dead before I arrived. When I got there everyone had solemn looks on their faces. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. Matty was gone and all I could think was what if I had answered him? What if I actually agreed to talk to him the next day instead of break up with him. I thought it was my fault. For the past 5 years I've blamed myself for his death. That's a hovering reason why I haven't been able to attempt another relationship. I was depressed for the following year. I couldn't control the pain even though I tried in the most unproductive ways.  I think its time to forgive myself for what happened to Matty. There's no way I could have predicted the end results. 

Big Brother Season 14

Today I decided to make a comment about a reality TV star named Janelle who has been on 3 different seasons of Big Brother. I admit that Big Brother is a guily pleasure of mine but I have been annoyed by Janelle's personality on each separate season she's been on the show therefore I made a comment about it because tonight she was nominated for eviction and I was overjoyed. However, others have not apparently. lol this is the wonderfully childish conversation that resulted from my original comment. :)


@kenwardc333 uuuhhh there's a reason janelle is being seen less and less #GetTheBitchOut

@meganmapes I'M SHOCKED THAT YET ANOTHER BIBLE BELT FUGGO IS JEALOUS OF JANELLE'S RAW STAR POWER. #BB14

@meganmapes WTF IS THIS PILE OF SHIT YOU'RE STUFFING IN YOUR FAT FACE?? #lolfat #DontSaveTheWhales

@meganmapes YOU LOOK LIKE THIS GIRL I KNEW WHO SHIT THE BED SHE WAS SHARING WITH ANOTHER GIRL SO I'M GUESSING YOU SHIT YOURSELF OFTEN TOO

@meganmapes ALSO YOUR HAIR COLOUR LOOKS LIKE RAT URINE #StopBeingUglyMeganMapes

@kenwardc333 you a) can't see my actual hair color b) are apparently too ugly to show your own face and...

@kenwardc333 c) are so dumb you have to make nasty personal attacks. #GetOverYourself and get an education

@meganmapes PERSONAL ATTACKS?? YOU STARTED BY CALLING JANELLE A "BITCH" YOU HYPOCRITE. AND I KNOW I'M MORE EDUCATED THAN A KU STUDENT

@kenwardc333 also I've #NeverCared what you think of my appearance so try a new approach #definitionofinsanity

@meganmapes YOU CARED ENOUGH TO A) POST PICS ON TWITTER DESPERATELY SEEKING APPROVAL, AND B) POST A 3-PART REPLY #StopBeingUglyMeganMapes

@meganmapes UMM HATING SOMEONE FOR THEIR PERSONALITY *IS* A PERSONAL ATTACK. CONVERSELY, ME CALLING YOU STUPID AND UGLY WOULD JUST BE FACTS.

@kenwardc333 lol pot calling kettle black on responses and one pic of me does not a desperate person seeking approval make.

@meganmapes YOU PROBABLY HAD MORE BUT I COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO CHECK SINCE YOUR UGLY MUG MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT.

@meganmapes AND YOU STARTED IT BY ATTACKING AN INNOCENT REALITY TV STAR WHO CAN'T DEFEND HERSELF TO YOU, AND IS JUST TRYING TO ENTERTAIN.

@kenwardc333 Bitch is determined by the words she says and way she talks to/ looks at people not her looks

@kenwardc333 I made a comment about her ability to entertain so sorry if my hashtag offended you. But you are no better. So please just go.

--------------This is where I decided to stop engaging the conversation -------------------

@meganmapes PS. #StopBeingUglyMeganMapes

@meganmapes YOU SAID THIS FIGHT MADE YOUR DAY SO CLEARLY I ENTERTAINED YOU, DUMBASS. I'LL GO KNOWING YOU WERE TOO DENSE TO GO ON

@meganmapes ALSO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY QUIT THE DEBATE TEAM IF YOU'RE ON IT.

Another Day Another Bitch

Dad is coming to help me get my bedroom set up today. I've been sleeping on a futon mattress on the floor for the past week and it has been one of the worst experiences of my life. My body hurts in places its never hurt before and it makes getting up off the futon mattress even more complicated. My neck is sore because I forgot to bring my pillows with me so I've created a makeshift pillow out of extra blankets. Let me just tell you that is the biggest mistake ever. There is nothing comfortable about a blanket pillow. After that continued to fail I thought I would try using one of the couch pillows but Hannah has furnished her couches with the worst, most stiff, and uncomfortable couch pillows imaginable. Nothing makes me more excited than knowing that tonight I will be sleeping in a bed that is off the ground with real pillows.

It's amazing how on the day that my dad has arrived to help install the DirecTV is the day that I'm receiving random personal attacks about it. I originally planned on setting it up in the living room but Hannah decided to call me while I was at Wally World and my dad was working on the installation to tell me that it being in the living room is going to be a problem because she doesn't really like the TV being on because it echo's. She proceeded to tell me that if TV was a very important part of my life then she could reimburse my rent and security deposit and I can look for a more accommodating place to live. I was caught off guard completely. I didn't realize this was going to be a problem and even if it was I could just set it up in my bedroom and not in the living room. Someone please explain to me why she would overreact other than the obvious reason that she doesn't actually want me to live here. I guess I'll just have to see how things work out when the school year starts.

I remembered once that although I don't have the best relationship with people in general I still manage to learn a lot about them and about their personal lives. This is information that can easily be used against them in the future. I find it to be hilarious that they would trust me with their secrets. Who knows, maybe one day I will have to share them with you blog world. ;)

30 Day Truth Challenge: Day 2

 Something you love about yourself:

This is a hard question to answer. I don't really know what I love about myself. The best answer to this question is my desire to learn and question. Growing up my dad taught me that people in general lie and they'll continue to lie to me if I don't learn to question everything around me. You have to question your surroundings, your government, and the political system in general. However, no interrogation is effective unless you do the proper research. That's why growing up I fell in love with history. I've always believed that if you don't know your past you'll never have a future. I think my dad had the greatest influence on me engaging in debate competitively. I love debate so much and I love being able to do research and seeks truths by learning both sides of an argument. It's a forum to engage in a particular topic that I may not have otherwise engaged in. 

I took a walk the other day and realized that living a little bit further away from all the city lights is one of the greatest decisions I've ever made in my life. Right down the street there is a beautiful park with a very large open field. I imagined myself just laying in the field and looking at the stars for hours. It's been so long since I've been able to look at the stars and see them so clearly. It's one of the most relaxing therapies I've ever engaged in. But more on this later I suppose. 

30 day truth challenge: Day 1

Something I hate about myself
Most women in their 20's are constantly obsessing with their weight, making their body the most hated part of them. However, despite the cliche I can't help but admit that my body and my weight is the most hated part of me. I have struggled with being obese for my entire life. I grew up active and playing outside. I make honest attempts to work out whether its playing basketball, soccer, ultimate frisbee, or beach volleyball with a group of my friends or just spending a couple of hours at the gym. Its very hard though and I have a tendency to give up because I'm not seeing results as quickly as I'd like to and I don't have the necessary support to make the changes I need to make in my life. When I go home, back to Topeka, I just backslide because I live with a family of obese people who love to eat, go out to eat, and keep terrible foods in the house. I also feel depressed within a couple of hours of being at home because I don't know how to communicate with my family and I do nothing but fight with my sister and mother. My only escape is the little bit of time I spend with my dad before he goes off to work. I always go home thinking that I will have some opportunity to see my friends or spend time with them. However, as the years continue to pass I become out of touch. They have moved on with their lives and are changing a lot faster than me. This includes many of them becoming mothers, getting married, or having long term relationships. I begin to lose touch because I feel nothing but boredom when I sit on a couch watching TV in silence. My life in Lawrence isn't what I'd like it to be. I don't have very many friends. I think this is because I'm so introverted, but really I think that its because I'm fat. I learned very early on that people in general are extremely shallow and don't like to hang out with the fat kid. We aren't going to be as active, guys only want to make friends with girls that they could see themselves hooking up with in the future, and girls are shallow and bitchy. Maybe its my attitude that makes me feel this way but I honestly don't think I would have this attitude if people didn't give me a reason to feel this way. 

I guess that was my rant about why I hate my weight and the different components of my life that make it hard for me to make the necessary lifestyle changes I'd like to. 

30 Day Truth Challenge List: 
Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 : Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 : Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 : Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 : Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself